Maturity

version 1 AKA : The Conscience conversation

When I got home last summer, some people told me I was more mature. It felt quite good to be lauded as a person of great maturity, for the first time in my life. I felt like a respectable individual, you know, the type of guy you could lend your car to and not worry that I might send it to the bottom of a lake (If that type of guy had a driver’s license, which I don’t!!!). So what happened?? I guess that when I turned to the glorious age of 2_ last year, I might have just gone over the ‘maximum age to get mature’ point. I guess I had a conversation like this with my brain:

(Brain): ‘Alright big boy, you are now 2_ in physical years and 15 mentally, maybe it would be time to grow up and become mature eh? What do you say we start acting like grown men?’
(Me): ‘Fuck No dude!!!! 14 ‘til I die!!!! Woo Hoo! Where’s my beer? Yeah! You can’t spell Party without P-Y!!!’
(Brain): ‘Listen up you little hoodlum, you’ve been making me insane with all your partying… You do realize that you have been a bit of a partyboy for almost half your life now? Do you know what the life expectancy is for people with your lifestyle???’
(Me): ‘Life expectanWHAT?... Brain-dude, are you making up words again???’
(Brain): ‘Life ex-pec-tan-cy… If you keep this up, you won’t make it passed 35. Race car drivers have a better chance to see a Montreal team win a Stanley Cup than you do… Is that what you want?’
(Me, realizing the fatality of the Brain’s last statement): ‘Woah, I guess you’re right. Maybe I have been going a little overboard. Where should I start?’
(Brain): ‘Well for starters, you could start wearing your pants like a normal person, everyone can see your ass!!’
(Me, complying): ‘Alright DONE. I feel like a new man! Where is the closest museum so I can go look at paintings and pretend to see the true meaning of it, you know, like a grown-up, boring person?’
(Brain): ‘Shut up and have one more beer’

Version 2 AKA The actual story behind my new-found maturity

During my vacation in Montreal, some people told me I looked more mature. For the first time in my life, I felt some pride about being a mature guy. I felt like a respectable individual, you know, the type of guy you could lend your truck to and not worry that I might use it to go pick up a prostitute on Ontario street (If that type of guy had a driver’s license, which I don’t!!!). So what happened??
Well yeah, some people told me I ‘looked’ more mature…
I guess these people have never heard about JETLAG!

Woooo Hooooo!!!! 14 ‘til I die!!! You can’t spell PARTY without PY!

Later, I’m off to my weekly Thursday night all you can drink party!

Filling it up

It is party season here in Japan. In the past two weeks, I have drank more than I should... Goodbye parties, welcome parties, and let’s not forget the ‘let’s drink a bottle of wine in the park and then go for Nomihodais where a robot from the future will try and take your money’ parties.
So now that I am sitting at my desk and my liver is failing me, I feel it is my duty to tell you about a Japanese custom. When having dinner or parties, you cannot, under no circumstances, fill up your own drink. EVER. Usually, if the people sitting next to you are efficient, your glass will always be full. You need to be a good neighbour too. I have developed a sixth sense, I scope the table and look for glasses that are less than 70% full and BAM, I get up and serve people like a trained waiter. And when I get back to my place, my drink is full too. It’s a great system because it gets the party going and it’s super-polite. But also, it’s a bad system because you can be responsible for getting people drunk. My co-worker was sleeping before the end of the party because of my efficient service, and when he woke up, he looked like a cooked lobster with really really blood-shut eyes.

This is the conversation we had in japanese:

‘Are you alright?’
‘Pierre-sensei, you made me drunk’
‘Well I was just being Japanese’
‘Well maybe you should be more Chinese (?!?! I don’t get it, drunk talk, he was laughing)
‘...hmm... ok. You want another drink buddy?’
‘haggushsgavgagva’

And he fell asleep again... I win

Top 3

Le Japon est fou de top 3. J’ai visité déjà 2 des 3 plus belles chutes du Japon (bof). La plus belle montagne du Tohoku (wow), tout est classé en top 3. Ce weekend, je suis allé voir un des trois plus beaux châteaux de l’île d’Honshu. En arrivant sur place, je trouvais ce château suspect. Il était trop blanc et à l’intérieur, il était fait entièrement de bois qui me semblait plutôt récent. Après avoir consulté la brochure, nous avons réalisé que nous étions dans un château construit en 1994. 1994! C’est pas un château, come on! Si ça c’est un château, y’a plein de châteaux sur la rive-sud de Montréal. Mon école secondaire est un château. Chez Mado sur Pie-IX : château. Le loft : château! Le Loblaws sur Mont-Royal : château! Anyway, quand moi pis Simon avons réalisé que, depuis la construction de ce ‘château’, le Bleu-Blanc-Rouge n’avait pas gagné la coupe Stanley, nous avons songé à la mission kamikaze. Mais finalement, on s’est ravisés.

On a ramené 7 personnes dans mon appart et on failli tout brûler. Après deux nuits à l’hotel PYfornia (ou Pytz Carlton, ou château Jacques-Daniel), moi, Jill, Eeva et Matt, nous sommes allés visiter une statue de ‘Bouddha’, à Sendai. Elle avait l’air bien, une sorte de monument grandiose, construit à la main pendant 200 ans au 6e siècle. Mais finalement, c’est une statue construite en ciment, en 2 mois, sur le bord d’un terrain de golf. Mais bon, en bonne compagnie, après un weekend de relaxation/débauche, je m’en balançais pas mal. Après avoir passé un mois à courir partout dans Miyagi, ça faisait du bien de passer une fin de semaine de 3 jours autour de Sendai. J’ai quand même eu la chance de manger de l’Otonominaki, aller chanter du karaoke, aller patiner, faire du purikura, passer mes nuits au chaud et me ressourcer dans un onsen. Je ne suis quand même pas à plaindre!

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Top 3 waterfalls in Tohoku... Top 3 scenic spots in Miyagi... Top 3 onsens in Japan... Top 3 sushis at the conveyor belt sushi spot... Top 3 fuel efficient cars... Top 3 train stations... Top 3 reasons not to ride your bicycle when it’s minus 2... Top 3 ways to torture Ponyo... Top 3 ways Ryan O'byrne can screw the Habs over... I tell ya, Japan is CRAZY about top 3’s! In the Lonely Planet and in all tourist information booklets and pamphlets, they list the top 3 in everything.

Well this weekend, I visited a couple of official top 3’s, and we probably created other top 3’s as well. We went to Shiroishi castle, one of the 3 nicest castles in Honshu... As soon as we got to the castle, something was fishy. Very suspicious even. Maybe it was the perfect beams of wood, maybe it was the hard wood flooring or maybe it was the perfectly balanced (feng-shui) lighting. This castle, albeit beautiful, was a scam... Looking at the brochure, we read that this castle was built in 1994, at the exact place where a castle used to be back in the days. But come on, 1994!! The Habs haven’t won a cup since they built that castle (which made me and Simon want to burn it down)! If I want to see fake castles and ‘authentic’ samourai houses, I’ll rent a Disney movie...

I’m complaining (because it’s one defining trait of my personality apparently) but it was still a great day. Actually, it was a kickass weekend! My home was transformed in a hotel. We almost burnt down the neighbourhood and managed to break my shower, but man, Hotel P.Y.Fornia (or the Pytz Carlton, or Motel Shitsureishimasu, or Chateau Jacques Daniel, or Auberge de la Ghetto) was the place to be! Monday (day off for Culture Day), me, Jill, Matt and Eeva we went to a giant white statue of... Buddha (?) that, from downtown Sendai, looks amazing. On our way there, I was wondering if it was built by thousands of Japanese men in the year 1345 to honour a great battle or something, and that it was maybe a great example of the Japanese efficiency and bla bla bla... Turns out that the statue is between a golf course, a parking lot and a supermarket, it’s pretty recent and the people that live near it pretty much hate it, it’s made of cement and it’s pretty pointless really. BUT! In a weekend where everything was pretty much AWESOME, I guess I really didn’t care about it. We skated, went for karaoke, ate okonominaki, did purikura, went with the flow, went onsenin’, got crunk, talked chavs and Jazz (not placed in order of anything). And now, I’m this much closer to meeting my friends in Thailand and I got 2 things on my mind...
Shitsureishimashta!

Memoirs of an immigrant

Growing up in Montreal-North, it happened a few times that I felt like a visible minority (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visible_minority wow will you look at that, it’s a term we only use in Canada...). That sentiment was short lived because I was on a bus or whatever but it’s not as if I was a REAL immigrant. Especially with my private school uniform... Anyways, It’s not where I wanted to go.
What I wanted to point out is this:
Here, I am the immigrant. And it’s not like I live in a country where there are enough of us to start opening up our own schools and have our own supermarkets. There will never be a Little-Québec or a Little-Italy in Sendai. N-E-V-E-R. I am a white man in a sea of Japanese people (I heard that 99% of Japanese residents are 100% Japanese.........). Often times, except when I’m with my wonderful Gaijin friends, I am the only white boy in the area. In Natori, we’re like 5, and I know all of us. I’m getting used to all this attention.

Here’s a common situation:

- I’m at the Max-Valu (my supermarket) and I pass by this mom and her 3 year old daughter. I always look so lost at the supermarket it’s not even funny, so I’m in my own world. The mom, she will glance at me (of course, especially if she’s hot) but the daughter, she will stare at me as if I had 6 arms, and she will keep staring until:
A) She runs into something or
B) Her mom will tell her to stop staring at the Gaijin. It’s pretty funny. They seem intrigued to know what a gaijin eats. They look in my basket...

You want other cases? Here you go:

- My (girl) students ask me: ‘How do you prepare your hair, do you curl them every morning (lol)??’ Euuuh, It’s natural baby. 100%. I step out the shower and it dries like this. It’s magic! They tell me I’m really surprisingly good with chopstick!!! I tell them I was probably born with a gift. I kick further then them, I throw harder then them, I can bat a baseball like a champ and I felt like Happy Gilmore at the driving range last week .. It’s actually pretty fun; this attention... it’s something I’ll miss when I get back to Quebec.

BUT, the next guy who follows me to the bathroom, takes the urinal next to me when there are 40 others and stares at my cock, I’ll freakin’ PEE ON HIS LEG.

That is all.

Observations...

1 : The question is not : ‘Will I get hit by a car’ but rather : ‘When will I get hit by a car’…

Man!! these cars driving on the wrong side of the roads are freaking me out. And the driver is on the other side... What is up with that! I’m there on my bike and I look right, left and behind me, I’m going insane. It doesn’t help that I add to the difficulty by having French electro-pop cranked up in my Ipod!

2: Riding a bike with an umbrella is an art, an important skill in Japan and a good way to make sure I get hit by a car soon.

Look, I ain’t gonna lie. It’s raining some days. And I have to ride my bike for the next year or so. And everyone else is doing it here, so I’m doing it too dammit! I have a mountain bike (thank you Bill, it is the nicest bike in town!) and I ride to school. I have a school bag, a soccer bag, an umbrella and an Ipod in my neck. I’m probably violating 15 japanese laws at once but it’s a risk I have to take.

3: Wearing a funny (often misspelled) t-shirt is ok here.

Would you walk around town with a t-shirt that says ‘First blow job’ or ‘bet you can’t even sail’ or ‘What want now! When it want!’ or ‘Dojo master plan fan’ or ‘Rock guyz you’?? Well over here it’s ok. And next weekend I have a party at Eeva’s where we have to wear one of those damned stupid t-shirts. We call this amazing English: Engrish... They have a lot of difficulty with the letter L here. Anyways, I think I found my t-shirt. That party will just be GOLD!

4: I will probably get told I’m good with chopsticks 1,000,000,000,000 times.

Heck I heard it too many times already. Sometimes, I feel like sticking one in my eyes just to entertain them.

Sad fact, Japan imports 50% of the hard wood on the planet, mostly to produce chopsticks! 130 000 000 pairs of chopsticks A DAY are used over her. CRAZY!




1- ‘Est-ce que je me ferai frapper par une auto’ n’est pas la question… C’est plutôt : ‘Quand-est-ce que je me ferai frapper par une auto’

Les autos roulent du mauvais côté, le chauffeur est aussi de l’autre côté!! Je suis sur mon vélo et je regarde à gauche, à droite, derrière… Je vais devenir fou. Tellement stressant! Faut avouer que je ne m’aide pas: j’écoute du gros Daft Punk pis du Yelle dans mon IPod en même temps.

2- Conduire un vélo avec un parapluie est un art au Japon, quelque chose d’important à maîtriser et une bonne façon de m’assurer que je vais me faire frapper par une auto bientôt!

Je ne vais pas vous mentir, il pleut des fois! Et le vélo est mon moyen de transport principal, juste devant le train. Tout le monde conduit son vélo avec un parapluie donc je vais le faire moi aussi (J’ai même vu une petite de 12 ans conduire son vélo pendant une averse en parlant au téléphone… )!! J’ai un gros vélo de montagne, un sac à dos, un sac de soccer, un parapluie et un IPod dans mon cou… Je brise peut-être 15 lois en même temps mais bon, au pire je me fais déporter et on passe Noël à Sainte-Flavie ou à Chibougameau!! (Ou à Maisonneuve-Rosemont……)

3- Porter un t-shirt mal épelé ou vraiment ridicule ici, c’est correct!

Moi dans le 514, je me promènerais pas avec un t-shirt qui dit ‘First blow job’ ou ‘bet you can’t even sail’ ou ‘Want want now, when it want’ ou… you get the point. Ici, c’est encouragé, mon amie Eeva organise même un party ce week-end où l’on doit porter un de ces t-shirt. C’est aussi un Purple Jesus party, c'est-à-dire que l’on emmène tout l’alcool qui traîne dans nos appart, on le mix dans un bol géant avec du jus et on se saoule jusqu’à ce qu’on puisse marcher sur l’eau… ou mieux encore, jusqu’à ce que je puisse changer l’eau en vin.

4- Je vais probablement me faire dire 100 millions de fois que je suis bon avec des baguettes.

Je l’ai entendu trop souvent déjà… Des fois, j’ai le goût de m’en enfiler un dans l’œil pour les satisfaire!

Pour terminer sur une bonne note… le Japon importe 50% du bois franc de la planète. La majeure partie de ce bois est utilisée afin de produire les 130 millions de paires de baguettes utilisées quotidiennement. C’est vraiment déguelasse. Mais moi je fais ma part grâce à mon frère et ma belle-sœur, j’ai les baguettes réutilisables les plus fresh de tout le Tohoku!